When Celebrating Birth Hurts
Christmas 2005.
My heart squeezed tight and broke open. All my plans laid bare and I slowly leaked out of me. To celebrate a birth when I just lost a precious babe, my fallopian tube shredded laid me low. My hopes, plans, dreams spilled out.
Mary, belly swollen heavy waiting for a savior, mocked my empty womb. Grief clung tight. Salty tears flowed freely. Prayers cried on dark nights. More of me poured out to Him.
His goodness to come to earth, I could never doubt. God loved me, I knew. But my empty womb cried out grief while all around me celebrated the birth of the God-man. Emmanuel, God with us. While I leaked out and my heart tore open, in my heart God was birthing something new.
My heart heaved and writhed in pain. Tears and whys and something new. Peace. Not of my doing not from my plans shredded, bleeding on the floor. No, peace from above. Peace that in the grieving writhing pain He is always there. His presence changes the grief and pain.
The change is a slow metamorphosis from ugly tears, grief, and complaints to trust that He can use even this for His glory. Death, loss, grief, infertility change a person, but only in God’s presence is the change life-giving. Only He can bring peace and good from the pain.
It takes time. Six years, some uglies have long gestations. Now I look back at Christmas 2005 and say God was there, God was good, and God loved me. The birthing process in me continues as I leak out myself and lay it at the manger and the foot of the cross. Trusting the God-Flesh, God-Spirit, and God-Father will give me life in exchange for the death that I leak out. I spill myself out only to have Him fill me again with true life, freedom, and beauty from ashes.
What situation do you need God’s presence to bring beauty and peace? Leave it at the manger. Then allow God to birth His glory through your pain.
How can I pray with you today? Leave a comment or send me an e-mail. I would be honored to pray with you.
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I am in complete tears ! This is me all me ! Just lost my 2nd at 9 weeks. Trying IVF round 4 as soon as my body gets back on track. Thank you for these words.
Alison, I am in tears seeing God transform my pain into beauty through you. I pray God blesses you in ways you never imagined. He is able.
This month, I’m faced with the reality that five of my closest friends (four from my infertility circle), will all become mothers. And, I’m grieving on several fronts. I just realized for the first time, that I’m not only grieving what they have and what I don’t have, but I grieve the potential loss of a friend. Sub-consciously when a friend becomes a mom, I wave goodbye to them, put them in a different room and slap a label on them as “mom – someone who doesn’t have time for me.”
I’m tired of that. I’m leaving that at the manger and fighting hard to keep those friendships no matter what. How would I feel if they did the same thing to me when I finally become a mother?
Lindsay, I pray God gives you grace as you seek Him in the midst of your infertility.