When I Get in the Way
The air around her smells new, clean, fresh from heaven. Her head wobbles as her eyes take in everything. Every moment is a mystery to her. She notices her foot and pulls it to her mouth. Her eyes sparkle in wonder and my heart opens in joy and wonder.
She is precious. The years fly by even though to tired parents the days seem long. I think of my own children, the joy, pain, and mirror they bring to my life. Oh I want her parents to know the joy too. I want to share their joy.
In only a split second I get in the way. My desire for more children eclipses the joy I feel for this new family. I dare not hold her or linger long as my heart bursts with pain instead of joy. I miss out.
It is the disease–the disease of comparison. I let my longings eclipse the joy I am to share. I miss out on holding little ones, singing them songs, and encouraging their parents because I am too full of myself.
Why I can’t have more when I can afford more and want more. Why I can’t have an “accident” of my own. I pick at the wound God is healing pouring the acid of self-pity, selfishness, and despair over it.
Is my hope in having more children or is it in God? If my hope is in God then can’t I trust Him to give me what I need rather than demand what I want? When despair takes over can I as the Psalmist suggests “put my hope in God?” If I could lay my longing at the foot of the cross could I join in the joy of others? Is it clinging to what I want that keeps me disconnected?
When I lay my longing at the foot of the cross and trust God to do what is best then I can find peace. In that God-given peace I do not miss out on the joy of others. This grief does not interrupt my joy, but reminds me that joy is God’s gift to me. Joy grounded in knowing He has what is best for me planned out.
What would happen if I stopped comparing? What do you think?
6 Comments
Leave a Comment
I’ve had to “rethink my thinking” on this topic over and over. My desires that do the tripping are to find a man of God to spend my life with and to have children. I’m young by most standards, at twenty-four, but the desires have been mine since I was a littel girl. The comparision game began when my friends started marrying their sweethearts. Now, babies are starting to come along, and as happy as I am for my friends, their “bliss” awakens that ache. You know, when I take my eyes off my and turn to look into the face of my loving Savior, the ache eases. Thanks, Angela, for sharing the hard parts of your story!
Thank you for commenting Jennifer. I was just having myself a pity party that “no one reads my blog.” Ridiculous I know, but true. I was telling God that I need His help because I felt discouraged and then you posted this sweet comment. God is good!
I am sorry that your longing has yet to be filled. I pray God’s richest blessings on you Jennifer and that His true joy will fill you as you lay your desires at His feet. Thank you for blessing me.
Oh I have had those days!! I love the quirky ways God shows His love for us. I’m thrilled He used me for such a blessing in your day! How cool! Thank you for your sweet words! 🙂
I think you’ll be a better person. Yes, comparison must be resorted to if and on if it influences our lives positively. As always is the case, we compare negatively and this steals our joy of the moment.
Know exactly where you’re coming from here – I struggle with jealousy instead of joy when good things that I want happen to others, I need to learn to trust in God more that He knows what I need even if it’s not what I want.
Oh Gillian I am right there with you. Praying God roots out that bitterness and replaces it with sincere love.