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She did it again. She asked the hard question. The one I am never ready for and it came from her eight-year-old mouth. I took a bite, answered a question from her younger sister, and collected my thoughts. I looked into her eyes. Those eight-year-old blue eyes. She was the one. The one who came…
I told you I finally saw my name in print the other day. Yes, my first published article! Guess what? Now you can see it! Click on the resource topic to your left and in there you will find my new article. It is about my in-vitro fertilization journey. I hope it is helpful for…
I couldn’t understand what was happening. None of it made sense. It doesn’t happen this way. Yet there I was, in less than six months my ability to conceive was stripped from me. My tubes ruptured my womb empty, my heart grieving, my babies lost. I had so many questions that didn’t have answers, at…
Love you. The words tear at my heart. Insatiable longing for who is not, at least not yet. Love you. Echos again in my mind. Ripping my heart open for what is not mine at least not yet. Love you. Whispered this time, as through time and space from some unearthly place. As if to…
I know God has plans for me, yet I long for a child. I am content and full in Him, but I long. I hunger for more. I desire more. In that longing, however there is contentment. The kind that says, “God I trust my dream to Your plans.” I still hope, I still long,…
Oh to hold you in my arms, to watch you while you sleep; to wrap your tiny hand in mine, to kiss your soft pudgy cheek. Oh to know the sound of your cry, to see the sparkle in your eye, to know your gender, to say your name, all privileges never attained. My precious…
On this infertile journey I have often sobbed and cried out to God. Why? Why me? Why this? Why not me? I have mourned babies that I never got to hold in my womb much less my arms. I have cried tears of joy, anticipation, fear, and pain. At times I would wonder if it…
As I sat in church one Sunday I was distracted. There was a precious child sitting behind me with his grandparents. He was cooing, drinking a bottle, smiling, and laughing. I smiled and a tear developed in my eye as my heart constricted. I wondered how any of us make it through Sunday morning at…
I am in a waiting period in my infertility journey, but many of you are in a season of going. Going involves a different kind of waiting. When we are going, we wait for doctors, test results, social workers, or parental rights to be revoked. This waiting is filled with hope, expectation, and possibility. During…
I confess I am not always eloquent, nor do I much grace. I am a klutz who is too familiar with the taste of foot because I often find my foot in my mouth. When it comes to infertility it seems the world around us has foot-in-mouth disease. People say things that must seem funny…
While trying to conceive, each month feels like a storm. The storm starts brewing as you plot and plan, watch and wait for the “perfect” time to baby dance. The clouds get darker and stormier as your hope increases because the timing was perfect. The winds start to howl as your hormones are whipped into…
Uncertainty and fear become constant companions when you desire to have children and cannot. You are constantly assessing your body either for ovulation signs in order to correctly time the deed, or for signs that you are indeed pregnant. I pinned my hope for joy and peace on being pregnant. If only that second line…
I left you hanging with my final three babies. As I mentioned earlier, I never planned on transferring more than two embryos for fear of high order multiple pregnancy. All of my embryos were “high quality.” ***Side note*** Yes, the embryologist actually grades your embryos. I have found it interesting that the quality doesn’t seem…
I will be honest, the idea of having ten children, remember I had one living child prior to IVF, was frightening to me. My first child was, well, strong-willed to put it bluntly. So the idea of having nine more children with similar dispositions scared the wits out of me. I wondered what God was…
So my husband and I felt led or compelled to choose IVF. That was an easier choice to make than I thought. The journey was much more difficult than I thought. 1. We knew we would give any embryo created a chance at life outside the petri dish. That meant NO CONTROL, over how many…
The journey of infertility is filled with pain, grief, and isolation. However there is a God of the journey, orchestrating each step for His perfect purpose. I found comfort in knowing that when I was in the midst of the darkest parts of my personal journey. Although, my husband and I already had one child,…
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