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Reproduction is a bodily function. We take it for granted that our bodies will work correctly. That eggs are released and tubes are open. That sperm come in enough number that at some point in the tube the sperm and egg meet. Then the embryo moves from the tube to the uterus where it implants…
My heart broke again, right there beside the mailbox. It squeezed tight within me battling the emotions, longing, grief that I hoped I was freed from. I held the Target coupons in my hand and it felt like a cruel joke. Coupons for everything you need for your baby. My baby is three. My oldest…
Welcome everyone. If you have come here from (in)courage I am so glad you found me! If you haven’t read my guest post at (in)courage click here to read it. Here is a special message from me to you! Now for the Give-Away opportunity…I am giving away a $50 Amazon Gift-Card. How do you enter?…
Last week was extremely busy. Three programs, one field trip, my in-laws came to visit, and field day at school. I was running, running, running. When days are busy I don’t take good care of myself. I don’t sleep when I should, I don’t eat what I should. I begin to run on empty. Spiritually…
She did it again. She asked the hard question. The one I am never ready for and it came from her eight-year-old mouth. I took a bite, answered a question from her younger sister, and collected my thoughts. I looked into her eyes. Those eight-year-old blue eyes. She was the one. The one who came…
I told you I finally saw my name in print the other day. Yes, my first published article! Guess what? Now you can see it! Click on the resource topic to your left and in there you will find my new article. It is about my in-vitro fertilization journey. I hope it is helpful for…
Am I crazy? The question rattled around in my brain and down to my heart. The silence was deafening. My heart beat quickened as I twisted myself into a pretzel. Stomach on the bed, rear in the air, twisting enough to get that injection in my hip. I knew I didn’t want the soreness putting…
Love you. The words tear at my heart. Insatiable longing for who is not, at least not yet. Love you. Echos again in my mind. Ripping my heart open for what is not mine at least not yet. Love you. Whispered this time, as through time and space from some unearthly place. As if to…
In part one of this series we discovered that God desires a quality faith. Quality faith says, “I know God is able, but He may not do what I desire Him to do. Regardless, I will not stop worshiping Him.” Part two of this series laid out how we develop a quality faith. Through seeing…
I have had this subtle, but real discussion with God lately. He is asking, “Do you trust Me?” My knee jerk response is much like Peter’s response to Jesus after Jesus rose from the dead. He asks Peter, “Do you love Me?” Peter says, “yes.” Jesus asks him three times. Peter responds three times. By…
Call me crazy. You may already think that I am. A few weeks ago God laid something on my heart. Pray for Noah. I know several Noah’s. I have a nephew Noah, a friend’s child is Noah, there is a baby named Noah at church. I can’t tell you why I am praying for Noah,…
I know God has plans for me, yet I long for a child. I am content and full in Him, but I long. I hunger for more. I desire more. In that longing, however there is contentment. The kind that says, “God I trust my dream to Your plans.” I still hope, I still long,…
Oh to hold you in my arms, to watch you while you sleep; to wrap your tiny hand in mine, to kiss your soft pudgy cheek. Oh to know the sound of your cry, to see the sparkle in your eye, to know your gender, to say your name, all privileges never attained. My precious…
Infertility is the cause of many tears I have shed over the last five years. Sometimes I was so raw that I felt the tears would never stop. A flood from some deep dark place that would only ebb for a few hours and then break loose again. What is truly amazing to me is…
I have decided to start a regular feature on this blog called Smiles from the Trenches of Infertility. Infertility is painful, physically, emotionally and mentally. However there are many things that we experience because of infertility that can plain make you laugh at loud. I hope this feature will help you find joy during your…
On this infertile journey I have often sobbed and cried out to God. Why? Why me? Why this? Why not me? I have mourned babies that I never got to hold in my womb much less my arms. I have cried tears of joy, anticipation, fear, and pain. At times I would wonder if it…
I am in a waiting period in my infertility journey, but many of you are in a season of going. Going involves a different kind of waiting. When we are going, we wait for doctors, test results, social workers, or parental rights to be revoked. This waiting is filled with hope, expectation, and possibility. During…
Isaiah 40:31 “but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” So we are waiting for God to perform a miracle. Right? A miracle in our bodies, so we can have a…
I confess I am not always eloquent, nor do I much grace. I am a klutz who is too familiar with the taste of foot because I often find my foot in my mouth. When it comes to infertility it seems the world around us has foot-in-mouth disease. People say things that must seem funny…
I have been praying for a miracle. A miracle within my body so I can somehow conceive another child naturally; or a miracle that lands an orphan on my doorstep ready for adoption, no strings attached; or the biggest miracle of all, the one in my heart for contentment for my current situation. I am…
While trying to conceive, each month feels like a storm. The storm starts brewing as you plot and plan, watch and wait for the “perfect” time to baby dance. The clouds get darker and stormier as your hope increases because the timing was perfect. The winds start to howl as your hormones are whipped into…
Infertility isn’t fair. Especially since we want babies, we would be great moms, so why can’t we have children? That question has been bouncing around in my brain lately. Especially after news that a sweet friend has finished her journey of fertility treatments unsuccessfully and another sweet friend is feeling that baby hunger again years…
Uncertainty and fear become constant companions when you desire to have children and cannot. You are constantly assessing your body either for ovulation signs in order to correctly time the deed, or for signs that you are indeed pregnant. I pinned my hope for joy and peace on being pregnant. If only that second line…
Infertility is full of so many uncertainties. We question everything. Why am I unable to conceive? Did I eat the wrong thing? Did I make poor choices in my past? Did I do something, anything that has caused this pain? Our hearts are condemning us. They are calling us guilty. Guilty of being unable to…
I have become a crier. I HATE it. I don’t like crying in front of people, or being vulnerable. My mascara runs even though I use the “waterproof” kind. Then I walk around half the day with dark smudges under my eyes and no-body tells me. Do not get me wrong, I have more days…
Infertility often brings out the worst in us. Hurting and sad, we lash out and turn inward. We covet what others have and we have a difficult time entering their joy. I remember vividly the day my older sister called me to tell me she was pregnant. Do not get me wrong. I felt excited for…
Often on this infertility journey, we look around us and see what other people have. That sweet family of five, the teenage girl who is pregnant and unable or unwilling to take care of her baby, or even your best friend or sister is pregnant, why not me or you? Sisters that is a trap…
I left you hanging with my final three babies. As I mentioned earlier, I never planned on transferring more than two embryos for fear of high order multiple pregnancy. All of my embryos were “high quality.” ***Side note*** Yes, the embryologist actually grades your embryos. I have found it interesting that the quality doesn’t seem…
Artificial hormones are harder on my body than my regular ones. More nausea, more pregnancy-like symptoms do not necessarily mean you are pregnant. So I had to learn to hope in God not my body. “but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will…
I will be honest, the idea of having ten children, remember I had one living child prior to IVF, was frightening to me. My first child was, well, strong-willed to put it bluntly. So the idea of having nine more children with similar dispositions scared the wits out of me. I wondered what God was…
So my husband and I felt led or compelled to choose IVF. That was an easier choice to make than I thought. The journey was much more difficult than I thought. 1. We knew we would give any embryo created a chance at life outside the petri dish. That meant NO CONTROL, over how many…
Since I lost the ability to conceive naturally, my logical conclusion was that God wanted my husband and I to adopt. I had often thought of adopting. I had some adopted friends. I thought that was the answer. We, my husband and I were going to adopt. I just never really thought to talk to…
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