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I admit it is easy for me to think much like the Pharisees (Luke 8:10-14), I am glad I am not like that sinner. I mean, I haven’t killed anyone, I have stayed faithful to my marriage vows, and I don’t get high on wine, much less illicit drugs. I have this Christianity stuff down…
I have decided to start a regular feature on this blog called Smiles from the Trenches of Infertility. Infertility is painful, physically, emotionally and mentally. However there are many things that we experience because of infertility that can plain make you laugh at loud. I hope this feature will help you find joy during your…
I love to know and understand the big picture. Even my kids crave to know, “why do we have to pick up our toys?!” I try to paint the rosy picture of a house tidy and organized, so when you wanted your teeny-tiny Strawberry Shortcake and her itty-bitty less than a centimeter across plate of…
Thank you Ann Voskamp for sharing your trip to Guatemala with Compassion. You have inspired me to do more for the “least of these.” Jesus tells us to feed His sheep, to love the “least of these.” So often it is easy to move about my day thinking only of dinner and school and bills…
On this infertile journey I have often sobbed and cried out to God. Why? Why me? Why this? Why not me? I have mourned babies that I never got to hold in my womb much less my arms. I have cried tears of joy, anticipation, fear, and pain. At times I would wonder if it…
“The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23 (NASB) I like to think that I am faithful. I do not cheat, I do not steal, I mostly do what I say I will do. I am patient, at least most of…
As I sat in church one Sunday I was distracted. There was a precious child sitting behind me with his grandparents. He was cooing, drinking a bottle, smiling, and laughing. I smiled and a tear developed in my eye as my heart constricted. I wondered how any of us make it through Sunday morning at…
I picked up a couple of stones, hoping they were the right size and shape. Perfect to put at the bottom of the pot over the hole. I was told the rock allowed the water to drain slowly so the roots had enough water, but the soil didn’t dry too quickly. As I had my…
Just a quick tidbit. I have joined The High Calling Blog network. Why? It is a network that encourages Christ followers to live out their Christian faith in all aspects of life. It is a network of bloggers, readers, leaders, etc who are out to encourage others to be transformed to become more like Christ…
Infertility seems to short-circuit our brains somehow. We often let our biological clock, out of whack hormones, and general frustrations out on our husbands. They do not understand. They may grieve, they may want children as well, but they do not understand. This problem is not a new one. In 1 Samuel chapter 1 we…
I have been spending too much time figuring out how to make my blog prettier. Seriously. So I don’t have the greatest post planned. However I have been memorizing with my oldest child a great verse I wanted to share. Deuteronomy 31:8 “The LORD Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will…
Call me crazy, but I love food and I love to try different things. My kids have watched the movie Ratatouille more times than I can count and I decided I wanted to try to make it. Mind you, I didn’t want to make the difficult gourmet version as Remi did on the movie. No…
I am in a waiting period in my infertility journey, but many of you are in a season of going. Going involves a different kind of waiting. When we are going, we wait for doctors, test results, social workers, or parental rights to be revoked. This waiting is filled with hope, expectation, and possibility. During…
Isaiah 40:31 “but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” So we are waiting for God to perform a miracle. Right? A miracle in our bodies, so we can have a…
Have you ever tried to change a two-year old’s clothes while he or she is clinging to a “treasure.” It could be a book or a toy or a shoe for that matter, but he does not want to let it go. You pull the shirt over his head and his hand will not go…
I confess I am not always eloquent, nor do I much grace. I am a klutz who is too familiar with the taste of foot because I often find my foot in my mouth. When it comes to infertility it seems the world around us has foot-in-mouth disease. People say things that must seem funny…
Yesterday I made dinner and dessert for a friend going through a hard time. I was feeling pretty good about my endeavors as I loaded the food into my van. One of the latches of the cake saver failed. At least one-third of the cake was now in the back of my van. Literally, it…
I have been praying for a miracle. A miracle within my body so I can somehow conceive another child naturally; or a miracle that lands an orphan on my doorstep ready for adoption, no strings attached; or the biggest miracle of all, the one in my heart for contentment for my current situation. I am…
“I can do all things through Him [Christ] who strengthens me.” Phil 4:13 This verse has become cliché in Christian circles. We spout it when someone complains, “it is hard,” or “I can’t do it.” We glibly rattle it off to our friend who is struggling with pain and loss. We think it is GREAT…
I hate to admit it, but I am ungrateful. Often I do not appreciate how hard my husband works, nor do I thank my children when they are kind to each other or pick up after themselves. No, I expect those behaviors. I expect as part of our marriage contract that my husband works outside…
While trying to conceive, each month feels like a storm. The storm starts brewing as you plot and plan, watch and wait for the “perfect” time to baby dance. The clouds get darker and stormier as your hope increases because the timing was perfect. The winds start to howl as your hormones are whipped into…
Infertility isn’t fair. Especially since we want babies, we would be great moms, so why can’t we have children? That question has been bouncing around in my brain lately. Especially after news that a sweet friend has finished her journey of fertility treatments unsuccessfully and another sweet friend is feeling that baby hunger again years…
If I had a penny for the number of times I have said, “It isn’t fair,” I would be a rich woman. Then if I add in the times I have heard it from my kids, my friends, my family, even some of my patients (back in my nursing days) I would probably be richer…
Uncertainty and fear become constant companions when you desire to have children and cannot. You are constantly assessing your body either for ovulation signs in order to correctly time the deed, or for signs that you are indeed pregnant. I pinned my hope for joy and peace on being pregnant. If only that second line…
I have mentioned in the past that I have been writing things down for YEARS. In fact I have some thing I wrote in grade school squirreled away in a notebook. For grins I started reading some of the things I wrote back when. Unfortunately I rarely wrote a date on things. However the fact…
Infertility is full of so many uncertainties. We question everything. Why am I unable to conceive? Did I eat the wrong thing? Did I make poor choices in my past? Did I do something, anything that has caused this pain? Our hearts are condemning us. They are calling us guilty. Guilty of being unable to…
I have to admit that lately I have felt FRUSTRATED! I have made no less than nine calls to service departments for repairs around the house in the last month. Not to mention that my van’s paint job is peeling, the CD player broke, and the breaks are starting to squeal. Then there is the…
I am weird. No really I am. I like Star Trek, and Lord of the Rings. I enjoy basketball, football, and reading. I love Jane Austen books and have read some of them 3 times or more. I appreciate the movies based on the books. I am a kindred spirit of Anne of Green Gables,…
I have become a crier. I HATE it. I don’t like crying in front of people, or being vulnerable. My mascara runs even though I use the “waterproof” kind. Then I walk around half the day with dark smudges under my eyes and no-body tells me. Do not get me wrong, I have more days…
Infertility often brings out the worst in us. Hurting and sad, we lash out and turn inward. We covet what others have and we have a difficult time entering their joy. I remember vividly the day my older sister called me to tell me she was pregnant. Do not get me wrong. I felt excited for…
Psalm 40:1-3 “I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many…
Infertility is a waiting game. You wait to find out the results of the infertility tests; to find the why. You wait each month to ovulate. You wait to find out if this month, OH please God, is the month the second line shows up on the pregnancy test. You wait. You long, you ache,…
“I waited patiently for the LORD; He turned to me and heard my cry.” Psalm 40:1 My simple mind read that verse and thought I know what waiting patiently looks like. You are quiet and still and waiting. Right? That is what I teach my children. My two year-old whines, “Milk-y, milk-y, milk-y.” (I do…
When God is teaching me something, He often gives me opportunities at putting those new lessons in action. I had no idea that a lamp would provide such a lesson, but then again who knew a plunger could help either? I recently purchased a lamp for my second blessing, L. Her bare nightstand begged for…
Often on this infertility journey, we look around us and see what other people have. That sweet family of five, the teenage girl who is pregnant and unable or unwilling to take care of her baby, or even your best friend or sister is pregnant, why not me or you? Sisters that is a trap…
I left you hanging with my final three babies. As I mentioned earlier, I never planned on transferring more than two embryos for fear of high order multiple pregnancy. All of my embryos were “high quality.” ***Side note*** Yes, the embryologist actually grades your embryos. I have found it interesting that the quality doesn’t seem…
I rubbed a blister on my hand today. I rubbed the blister into the palm of my right hand with the handle of a plunger. Yes, a NASTY plunger. It wasn’t the first time this week I had to plunge out a certain someone’s toilet. In fact it was just yesterday that I found my sweet…
Artificial hormones are harder on my body than my regular ones. More nausea, more pregnancy-like symptoms do not necessarily mean you are pregnant. So I had to learn to hope in God not my body. “but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will…
Someone much smarter than me, but I can’t figure out who that someone is, said or wrote, “Steps of faith often begin with seeds of fear.” Fear and faith. Together. Fear. Fear of God, fear of failure, fear of appearing crazy, fear of being a hypocrite. God often calls me to do something that is…
Samuel at the end of his tenure as Israel’s High Priest and Judge, probably felt like an epic failure. His sons were not following in his faith. They behaved wickedly, took bribes, and did not obey God. (1 Samuel 8) Not only did his sons not follow God, but the whole nation was looking for an…
Have you ever looked back over a day or a month or a year and been in awe of God’s perfect timing? How He orchestrates our lives with such minute detail? Have you ever wondered what would have happened if – I was earlier, later, or went a different direction? Maybe things would be different,…
Acts 4:13 “When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus.” So Peter and John were ordinary. These are the men who have done miracles and seen miracles, but they are ordinary. These…
I will be honest, the idea of having ten children, remember I had one living child prior to IVF, was frightening to me. My first child was, well, strong-willed to put it bluntly. So the idea of having nine more children with similar dispositions scared the wits out of me. I wondered what God was…
I like to think I can pretty much do anything I try, by myself. I don’t need help to open jars or get on ladders. I can do it myself. I like to think that I am helpful to others, but that I don’t need help. I like to think I have it all together….
So my husband and I felt led or compelled to choose IVF. That was an easier choice to make than I thought. The journey was much more difficult than I thought. 1. We knew we would give any embryo created a chance at life outside the petri dish. That meant NO CONTROL, over how many…
Since I lost the ability to conceive naturally, my logical conclusion was that God wanted my husband and I to adopt. I had often thought of adopting. I had some adopted friends. I thought that was the answer. We, my husband and I were going to adopt. I just never really thought to talk to…
The journey of infertility is filled with pain, grief, and isolation. However there is a God of the journey, orchestrating each step for His perfect purpose. I found comfort in knowing that when I was in the midst of the darkest parts of my personal journey. Although, my husband and I already had one child,…
Are you having difficulty conceiving a child? Are you struggling with grief, isolation, and pain? Is your faith being shaken? Well sister, here is a place for you to come. I am writing this blog in the middle of my journey. I call it the middle because I although God has blessed my husband and…
Confession time again. Dental health workers please do not hold this against me. I am not an example for dental health practices. Do not try this at home. I do not floss. I hate to floss. I promise I have tried. I find it time-consuming and uncomfortable. Instead of flossing, I have found that mouth…
Since my post on confidence was so memorable for some, and well liked by others, I decided to share the prayer I mentioned in the Confidence post. My prayers don’t come out in correct grammar or with proper punctuation. So please forgive me line editors. Just know this came from the heart. I tried to…
Envision a bright, sunny, winter day. Snow is on the ground, and the sun creates a magnificently brilliant, and blinding glare. That is the day this idea came to me. I was walking between classes at college, without my sunglasses on, and God seemed to tell me. “The reason you can’t look at My holiness,…
I am treading uncharted waters. I have felt God’s call on my life for years, but have not known which direction this call would lead. In the past I have thought it would lead me down certain paths, only to discover I was WRONG! I have waited and prayed for God’s direction. Now I know…
I have yet to understand marketing and why mittens were available in the summer. It was the end of July and I was out clothes shopping for some kiddos I love. One of my sweet blessings noticed the most awesome pair of fuzzy mittens she had ever seen. She just HAD to have them. Since…
I have a confession. I don’t like shopping for clothes. In fact if I could afford a personal shopper who was my exact size and shape, so I never had to step into a dressing room again, I would be a happy woman. I realize this may seem strange since I am a female, but it…
Have you ever noticed how easy it is to see the fault in other people? She is just too demanding, he is needy. If only she didn’t gossip (unfortunately we often gossip when we make this comment). They drink too much, wear the wrong clothes. Those people are not following God. They should get their…
Must be nice….. She seems to have it all together. Why am I stuck doing _____ and he gets to do something I have been wanting to do for a long time? Why does everything seem to come easy to them and we have to struggle? Sound familiar? Can you think of a time in…
I just got back from vacation in Jackson Hole, WY. Let me tell you it was beautiful and cool and we hiked until our seven-year old thought her feet may fall off. The thing about Jackson Hole is that it is about a mile above sea water and it has NO humidity. In fact it…
I prayed that God would use a difficult time in my life to glorify Him. I didn’t want to go through all that YUCK and PAIN for nothing. So I prayed He would use it. I never imagined where that prayer would take me, but let me tell you, I am AMAZED and HUMBLED by…
I love to get my way. I always have. Once when I was in elementary school, I brought home a paper with a word misspelled on it. My mom tried to help me learn and pointed out my mistake. However, I insisted that I spelled it right, that I copied it straight from the board…
Focus changes lots of things. When you focus on one part of this optical illusion you see the young woman, but change your focus and an old woman appears. When you lose your focus during a competition, you lose. You don’t get a job done or you fail the test if you can’t stay focused….
Have you ever embarked on a new venture or chapter in your life that you have no doubts God is calling you towards? In this new journey you are a bit fearful and uncertain. You are way out of our comfort zone and you are confident in God if not so much in yourself. As…
Ok, so call me slow…I mean it takes me a LONG time to put a few things together and I often find that it was much easier than I think it will be. Seriously, God Himself tells us that He uses the “..foolish things of the world to shame the wise..” 1 Cor 1:27 I…
So the Bible Study I have been attending and enjoying and growing in is taking a break for the summer. Today we listened/watched to Iva May on a DVD tell God’s story in about 45 minutes. Her blog is ivamaystories.blogspot.com I was in awe of God’s design of the world, His constant pointing to and…
Matthew 11:28-30 says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” How…
Jeremiah 17:9 says, “The heart is deceitful and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” How painfully true this statement often is in my life. Have you ever known in your head something to be true or logical, but your heart kept telling you different. It is like when you were a kid and you started…
Have you ever been surprised at what God does when you actually ask Him? Sometimes we Christians walk through life acting like, this is something I can handle or do on my own. I’ll ask God when it is something big or I get into a crunch, but really He isn’t that interested in the…
So at Bible Study we read and discussed the account of king Josiah from 2 Chronicles 34. He was a whopping eight years old when he became king. I can imagine the people who were behind getting him to the throne at such a young age. We know nothing of their intentions or who helped…
So I help teach Sunday School to fifth and sixth grade girls at my church. Today during our discussion, it dawned on me that sometimes we tell kids that God loves them and Jesus loves them, but we forget to tell them that God is to be feared. Jesus isn’t a meek and mild mannered…
So my last post was on Naaman his account is in 2 Kings 5, but his account has other people in it. Namely two servants. The first one is a young girl. She was kidnapped from her homeland, Israel, during a raid and brought to Naaman’s house to serve his wife. We don’t know her…
Have you ever thought, “God, You want ME to do THAT?! I mean seriously, God isn’t there something bigger, greater, better for me to do? You really mean for those other people to do that, not me. I’m in management.” How often have you walked away from an opportunity God has placed before you because…
Francesca Battistelli has a song entitled Free to be Me in which a portion of the chorus says, “Perfection is my enemy.” Oh how true it is that perfection is my enemy. I convince myself that perfection is good. Colossians 3:23 says, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for…
Today is the day we Christians are to remember Jesus’ death. Just typing those words makes my heart sink. My sinful self would prefer to skip the death part, skip the pain and suffering, and move on to the glorious resurrection. Isn’t that how we go about life? God bless me, but don’t force me…
Here is a poem I wrote dated 6-20-2002 That Day You cried for me that day. You cried for my waywardness. You cried for my pain. You thought of me and You cried. You prayed for me that day. You prayed for strength. You prayed against temptation. You thought of me and You prayed. You…
So, “Jonah was a prophet, ooo-ooo, but he really never got it, sad but true, if you watch him you can spot it, doodlie do, he did not get the point.” So if you know Veggie Tales and you have seen their movie Jonah, you know the song I just quoted. However, I often find…
So a sweet friend of mine posted on her facebook page the following question: Are you Free in Jesus Christ? If you are – how did you get there? If not – why are you not there? Here is an expanded version of my answer to my sweet friend. By the way, I LOVE it…
I already mentioned about Israel’s rebellion in Numbers 16. When three men raised up a rebellion against God’s leaders. Not only did God allow the earth to swallow them alive, but 250 more were killed with fire from heaven. Then the next day 14,700 people died from a plague when they accused Moses and Aaron…
So my seven year old has a new mantra…”I hate sin and I wish I never sinned.” I try to assure her that I feel the same way, but God continues to forgive. Isn’t that amazing? That even though we mess up over and over. Many times in the exact same way, He forgives us!!!…
So why am I thinking about rebellion? Those pesky stiff-necked Israelites did it again…Not long before Miriam and Aaron were speaking out against their brother, Moses. The Israelites have already accused Moses for bringing them to the desert to die or not feeding them the right food or there is no water…Now in Numbers 16,…
Numbers 12:3 “Now Moses was a very humble man, more humble than anyone else on the face of the earth.” Seriously? Wait he was hidden as an infant, but he was raised in the royal household. I highly doubt humility was taught there. However, I have to wonder, he was a Hebrew being raised in…
So I am reading more about those Israelites and Moses. There are times when I LONG for the physical manifestation of God’s Spirit that they had. They were essentially nomads. They were living in tents and following God every step of the way. At first they had the pillar of cloud by day and the…
So in Bible Study today we talked about Jezebel. To quote a friend, “she is possibly the most evil woman ever to live.” Ah, but most people we abhor are the ones in which we see our own flaws and faults. Honestly, let’s take a quick inventory of the people in our lives who just…
I have been reading in Leviticus and Exodus lately as I mentioned in an earlier post and I was struck by how God gifted an appointed people to do certain things. He mentioned to Moses by name men capable of doing the gold and weaving work to make the Tabernacle and the ark of the…
So lately I have been thinking about obedience. The first thing my heart does when I think about myself and obedience is it twists inside. I can practically feel the flight or fight response begin, I am on my guard. “ME, Obey? Whom am I to obey? I am grown. What do you mean OBEY?”…
So January found me reading Job. I have to say that Job is a difficult book for me to wade through. For one, the idea that God points out someone who is serving Him to Satan and says have you considered Job. Makes me cringe a little. Ok, it also makes me a bit excited….
So I have been thinking about this whole holiness thing. God tells us to, “….be holy to me because I, the LORD, am holy, and I have set you apart from the nations to be my own.” (Lev. 20:26) So holiness…Most of us think of holiness as a state of perfection. We NEVER do ANYTHING wrong….
So I am blogging with the purpose to air my thoughts…Well, they may not exactly be MY thoughts…They are more than likely things I think God is telling me through His word, prayer, friends, church, and so on. You get my point. As I examine these thoughts I often have to re-think my own way…
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