My head aches and my heart lurches.
“Ugh!” I think. “I don’t want to be here. I have so many things I need to do.”
I look down at my watch. “I just want to protect my time. How long is this going to take?”
My shoulders tense. “Relax would you?” I chide myself. My heart pounds against invisible restraints. “I just can’t do anything right.”
There is a whisper so faint I nearly miss it. “That is a lie my child.”
I shrug and shake my head. “I just make a mess of things. Why can’t I say no and why do I get so stressed over little things?”
“Your pride is stealing your joy,” His still small voice echoes in my mind.
“Pride?!” I turn the thought over and over. “Yes, ugly pride. When will I ever get this right?”
“Oh, my child,” His voice louder now. “You can’t get it right. Let Me get it right in you.”
I wish I could say my attitude got right immediately,but it didn’t. Instead God left the attitude to teach me warfare. God did this for the Israelites too.
“These are the nations the LORD left to test all those Israelites who had not experienced any of the wars in Canaan (he did this only to teach warfare to the descendants of the Israelites who had not had previous battle experience)…” Judges 3:1-2
God in His sovereignty doesn’t always take the bad attitude connected to confessed sin away. He often leaves it. A reminder of my pride and my desperate dependence on Him.
He isn’t satisfied with me staying stagnant. He wants to make me a warrior who is more and more desperate for Him. A victor who admits defeat on her own, but knows a God who is able.
He is able to use my bad attitude and pride to teach me to die to myself and live to Him. Then my attitude can kill my pride instead of my joy.
Isn’t it just like God to bring joy from death and use a bad attitude to make me more like Christ?
Do you have a ‘tude that is killing you or killing your joy? Maybe God is using it as a reminder that He is all you need. Next time you feel that ‘tude rearing its ugly head, use it as a reminder that God is able, He is sufficient, and He is making you into a warrior for His glory.