It Still Hurts – Be Real – Just Smile
I stumbled upon Lesli’s website as I was researching for the book I am writing and attempting to get published. She has a firm faith and great message that applies to more than just my infertile friends. I pray her words encourage and bless you. Here is Lesli:
As you can tell by the title of this post I couldn’t figure out which one to choose, so I decided to use all three. When one desires children / struggling with infertility you never know what will hit you! What seems to not affect you one day can overwhelm you the next. One thing for sure it is an uninvited, unwelcomed guest, showing up when you least expect it!
For me, since I’ve been dealing with this for so long and listening to countless other women share their stories, I’ve felt I have matured and have grown stronger in my emotions. Well, so I thought. I wanted to share what took place, a reflection of what happened within a 24-hour period. So whoever is reading this will know that they are not alone.
It Still Hurts
Along with my small business, I’m also a part-time manager for Ronald McDonald House (RMH) -Houston in the Texas Medical Center. RMH is an international non-profit organization providing ‘a home away for home’ for families who have critically or terminally ill children. I love my job! I find it a privilege serving new moms and weary families looking for a place to lay their head. I’m around women who’ve just had a baby all the time, so usually it doesn’t bother me. However, on this particular day it was overwhelming!
As I was walking through the hospital corridor I could see a new mother being transported to her car, a new babe in her arms. The cart was overflowing with balloons and flowers celebrating the birth. As I looked intently (trying not to stare) I thought to myself ‘I wonder what that feels like? To have a baby and to know you are going home with one?’ I walked away. I thought to myself ‘I am not going to get upset.’ I began to pray silently within my heart, ‘I thank you God you have not forgotten me, that you love me and you know the desires of my heart.’
Later on in the evening a new family was checking in. Such a sweet couple! There was something so different about them. They said, “Oh! We are adopting! Our baby girl was born yesterday and we’ll be taking her home tomorrow!” Their news touched my heart; I congratulated them and was genuinely happy for them. Yet when they left my desk, I felt like a ton of bricks hit me. Tears welled up in my eyes. Thinking to myself, ‘I should be over this, how come this still hurts?’
I began to feel the flow of tears. I excused myself and went into the office next door and shut the door behind me. The office has a glass front door, yet there were no lights on except in the credenza. As I faced away from the door, I began to weep quietly. I could not control these unexpected emotions. I heard people talking right outside the glass-front door; they were standing right in front of it! So I knelt down and quickly ‘hid’ behind the desk. Yep, I AM A MIGHTY WOMAN OF GOD! Can’t you tell? (You’re probably laughing at me, it’s Ok I laughed at myself). Yet this humbled, kneeling state, again brought me to my Savior.
Being real with Him, I implored His help, asking the God of all comfort to comfort me. He cocooned me with His love, helped me through the remainder of my day and into the arms of a loving, caring husband.
The next day was unexpected. I received news my mother had to go into the hospital. With my Dad being home on hospice care, my help was needed, in which I am glad to be there for my parents, they are always there for me. As she received surgery in the late evening I went to get a bite to eat. I was starving! As I returned to the waiting room, a group of about twenty-five people were standing at the elevator (lift). A Lamaze birthing class just ended full of men and very pregnant women!
I saw them and I let out a big sigh!
There was no way to avoid them, no other means of escape! There was only one set of elevators to use. So as I waited I thought to myself and prayed, ‘God! Why? After yesterday’s emotional roller coaster and today’s events with my mom…I don’t need this!’ Well, the elevator door opened, they all crammed in there, I entered last. I turned to face the elevator doors, as they were talking about impending labor pain, their due dates and the birthing rooms.
I just shook my head.
I thought to myself, ‘Well, at least I am the skinniest one in here.’
I smiled and chuckled to myself. I thought, “God, I really don’t understand your sense of humor.”
Some days it still hurts, but you’ve got to get real with yourself. The emotions you feel are valid and there is nothing wrong with you. For the longest, you might be doing well and all of sudden out of nowhere the uninvited, unwelcomed guest comes. It is not that you embrace it; you just get real before your Heavenly Father and escort this unwelcomed, uninvited guest of infertility to Him. Even in an elevator stuffed with pregnant women, some days you just have to smile, believing He loves and cares for you so very much.
“Now that we know what we have—Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God—let’s not let it slip through our fingers. We don’t have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He’s been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So let’s walk right up with him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help.”
Hebrews 4: 16 The Message
Unfortunately, Lesli is no stranger to infertility. She has experienced the gamut of feelings, asking God endless questions, felt the prodding of doctors and stinging disappointments for over a decade now. But God has turned those disappointments into appointments with Him. He has healed her from the grief of infertility. This journey has caused her to stop gazing inward and to look outward toward others.
In 2007, she was asked to lead HOPE, Hearts Of Promise and Expectation for Women, an infertility support group in one of the largest churches in America, Lakewood Church in Houston, Texas. From the experiences of isolation and grief shared within the support group, e-mails from around the country and beyond, as well as her own experience, a deep compassion has formed for those who are hurting. Dancing Upon Barren Land-Spiritual Nourishment for the Infertility Road is an extension of that compassion, an online ministry including Prayers, Blog Devotionals, Infertility Etiquette and Resources.
Connect: www.DancingUponBarrenLand.com, Facebook: Dancing Upon Barren Land Ministry or Twitter: DUBLhope