“O to grace how great a debtor daily I’m constrained to be.
Let Thy goodness like a fetter bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love.
Here’s my heart Lord take and seal it. Seal it for Thy courts above.” Come Thou Fount by Robert Robinson
My shoulders tense, my soul feels raw, my throat closes tight. My heart says, “You will never get it right. You can’t remember anything. Your house is a mess, you are practically wearing pajamas in public. Look at your hair. Did you even brush it this morning?”
My heart presses against my sternum as if my rib cage is not big enough. “You are not enough. You will never be enough. You can’t even articulate fundamental truths you believe. How dare you think you can teach your kids, other kids, women? Who do you think you are?”
I battle to hear another voice. My heart is so loud it is difficult to hear. My mind knows the truth. My mind struggles to be heard.
“I am a daughter of the king,” says my mind. “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Jesus died for me. I am worth something. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God has plans for me to prosper me and not to harm me to give me a future and a hope. I may not be enough on my own. I can’t do it alone, but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. My house may not look the way I want it to look, my clothes, hair, and make-up (or lack thereof) may never be up to snuff, but I am God’s workmanship created in Christ Jesus to do good works.”
My shoulders relax, my throat isn’t quite so tight. My heart quiets slightly, but remains defiant. It doesn’t want to listen to the truth.
My mind continues the battle. “God demonstrates His love for me in that while I was still sinning Christ died for me. I am one of God’s chosen people, a royal priesthood, a person of His own possession. He knit me in my mother’s womb.”
My hard heart relaxes a bit more but it isn’t completely convinced. I must choose to live out the truths my mind knows instead of framing my day and attitude on my rebellious heart and emotions.
I must lead my heart with my mind and my mind with God’s truth.
Is your heart prone to wander like mine? How do you battle your heart? Please share with me.