Actively Patiently Waiting
Infertility is a waiting game. You wait to find out the results of the infertility tests; to find the why. You wait each month to ovulate. You wait to find out if this month, OH please God, is the month the second line shows up on the pregnancy test. You wait. You long, you ache, and you have no choice, but to wait. Waiting can take its toll on us. It can bring about bitterness, frustration, jealousy, anger. Especially when all we do is wait – like a bump on a log. Infertility can consume our lives and our waiting can consume our todays.
Waiting doesn’t have to be like that. I finally figured it out a few days ago as I started memorizing Psalm 40. In NAS it says, “I waited patiently for the LORD; and He inclined to me and heard my cry.” I thought if you are waiting patiently WHY are you crying out? Doesn’t waiting patiently mean being a bump and waiting, not doing anything. Waiting to me is often a void or a vacuum that my days, weeks, months can get sucked into. “What are you doing?” questions a well-meaning friend. “WAITING,” I seethe. As my mind wanders to her perfect family created without miscarriage, loss, or wondering if.
Oh, but the Psalmist is crying out and yet waiting patiently. He is waiting expectantly for what God will do. He is not in doubt that God will do it, but he is reminding God. In this time of waiting for a miracle – for another child, a child to adopt, or for my heart to change, I cry out to God. I know that He is faithful, I know that even now He is working His miracle. I am waiting, but I am crying out. Some days are more difficult than others. There are days when bitterness and jealousy taint my crying out. Those days are not my patient days, but the days I fall into the waiting potholes. The days that I doubt God’s faithfulness, His ability. There are other days when I know that God is faithful. I know that God is able. I wait for His perfect plan. Not my plan, not my way, but His plan. When I cry out with this perspective, I patiently wait. I surrendered to God’s will, to His way. I have given my hopes and dreams to Him and I patiently wait.
Psalm 40 continues (verses 2 and 3) “He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; Many will see and fear And will trust in the LORD.” Do you see it? The reward for active patience? God brings us out of the pit of destruction. The pit that our perfect plans, our dreams, our hopes have dug. They are destruction apart from God. Then God sets our feet upon a rock. In this infertility journey we need some where to set our feet. Some firm ground. God sets us there and then He makes our footsteps firm. He shows you each step to take. Do we adopt, do we do infertility treatments, do we continue to wait? God will show you each step to take, each step of the way. As He shows you what step to take, He makes those footsteps firm. No longer do we have to wonder or question. God Himself will make each step of our infertile journey firm and clear. This is amazing, then He puts a new song in our mouths. It is a praise song to God. God is giving us a testimony to share with others during this dark infertile time. He is saying sing this song that praises me in the darkness of infertility. Here is the kicker, God receives the praise, but those around us receive the reward. They will see God working in our lives. They will fear God and they will ultimately trust God.
Active patient waiting. Oh it is hard. It is a choice, but the rewards, in waiting in expectation for God to move, are worth the waiting.
Father, help us to patiently actively wait on You. Give us the strength to expectantly watch and wait for You to move. Help us to cry out to You knowing You are faithful, knowing You are able. Lord as You rescue us from the pit our imperfect dreams have dug, let us follow the firm footsteps You guide us on. Let us sing the song of praise You have put in our mouths that others will hear and see what You have done and come to know You. Our hope, our dreams, our expectations are now in Your hands. Help us to live that out every day. In Your son Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.