My right foot throbbed as I stood singing in the choir loft. When I sang, “You carry my healing in Your hands…” my heart jerked. Where’s your healing? It’s been nearly a year…Isn’t it hypocritical to sing of healing when you aren’t healed? My rebellious mind whirled. Your tubal pregnancies, failed IVF attempts, where is the healing there?
There are moments in life when I wonder if God’s promises are for someone else. When God seems to be healing, providing, and comforting everyone else, but me. Sure He loved me enough to save me, but He doesn’t heal my diseases or my injuries. He doesn’t seem to provide the way I expect and He doesn’t feel near. Or if He does feel near His nearness, silence, and apparent inaction breaks my heart – it confuses me.
Where is God and where are His promises when the sun rises and sets nearly 365 times and my foot is still hurting?
Where was He when my babies lodged in my tubes instead of my womb and blew a hole in my female anatomy as well as my heart?
Countless times when I have prayed for miracles that just don’t happen. And I stand in church hurting because there seem to be no miracles for me.
The problem is I don’t really know my greatest disease or my greatest need. I know what I think I need and want. I want a healthy foot and three more healthy children conceived naturally. I want healing in my physical body and I want it on my time-table. But just like a doctor who overlooks the small piece of glass lodged in a woman’s cheek to tend her profusely bleeding and mangled legs, Jesus tends to my greatest need. He is a heart surgeon more bent on making me holy and healing the rottenness of sin in my life than in healing me physically. He is more interested in making me more dependent on Him than self-reliant. And so He brings healing in His time and in His way.
His ways are not my ways. He will heal me either on this earth or in eternity. So I have to trust God’s way. I have beg Jesus to help my unbelief so I will trust Him and love Him no matter when my healing comes.
And so I stand and sing “He carries my healing in His hands,” as I wait for healing either in the present age or in the one to come.
What miracles are you praying for? I’d love to pray with you.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
Be not wise in your own eyes;
fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.
It will be healing to your flesh
and refreshment to your bones. Proverbs 3:5-8 ESV
I have a bad habit of saying never.
I will never marry a doctor…
I will never go to a Baptist church…
I will never move to Fort Smith…
I will never use fertility treatments…
I will never work with fifth and sixth graders…
And in all these nevers God had a different plan – a better plan. I wonder if God chuckles at my deal breakers knowing His plan will prevail?
I uttered these nevers in all the wisdom I had at the time.
I was not interested in a doctor, I was an ICU nurse after all.
Baptists are judgmental…I get the irony and now I am a member of a Baptist church.
Who ever heard of Fort Smith?!? We’ve lived here for nearly 14 years.
Why wouldn’t someone just adopt instead of using fertility treatments? Now I know why and have two of my three precious kiddos because of these treatments.
Fifth and sixth graders?!? They are great, but not for me…My husband and I taught Sunday school for fifth and sixth graders for about six years.
Deal-breakers were just my way of telling God I had a plan for my life and He didn’t need to worry about it and I didn’t have to trust Him. I just trusted in my plan.
But life is full of curves and bumps and mountains and valleys. Things I could not know or see or understand. On this side of so many nevers that came to pass I can look back and truly say God’s way is better.
I would never trade my doctor husband, my church, my town, working with fifth and sixth graders, or even my struggle with infertility for the life I planned. All of it has worked together to help me know God better, to learn to trust Him.
And oh to trust God in the bumps and curves in life.
Father God, forgive me for failing to trust in You. Help me to remember that Your ways are best even when I don’t understand, when I’m frustrated, or hurting. Help me to trust that You will be there guiding me, strengthening me, healing me (either this side of heaven or the other). Lord I long to trust You in everything and lay down all my nevers. In Jesus’ Name I pray. Amen.