I have three children and still I grieve. I wonder if I am selfish. I wrestle with guilt because I should be happy God allowed three babies to stretch my belly and my heart. At times the pain of infertility washes over me. Grief over 22 babies in heaven never to be held here. Grief that conception is not easy or fun. The grief burns and aches and forces me to my knees.
This fire of grief and longing and trusting – God who could take it all away, but doesn’t – has a purpose. This grief and suffering draw me close to a God who willingly suffered for me. He chose the cross and the pain of hell so I did not have to suffer it. When did I sweat blood over the grief and suffering? I complained about shots I had to take for three months so I could have a baby. I whined about dietary restrictions and I don’t have a clue about true suffering. Not in the way Jesus suffered for me.
So here in the grief of loss and longing God holds me in the fire, not to burn me up, but to refine me. He burns off all the impurities and makes me more able to reflect Him. And the grief pushes me closer to Him. My faith is deeper because of the grief and pain, not in spite of it. There it is again. God is a because God not an in spite of God. Because God is holy He is near and because of grief I draw near to Him. Oh that I could learn without the pain, but I am stiff-necked and rebellious.
So in God’s mercy he brings grief and longing to drive me closer to Him. The God who is able and who may not, but loves me enough to know what exactly I need.
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