I inhaled quickly, but shallow enough no one noticed. I crinkled my brow. “That isn’t what she said,” I thought. “No she didn’t say that. It couldn’t be.”
Even if she did say it my response had to be measured careful. I peaked at my son playing with my electronic device. He is no longer a baby. Tears burned my eyes, but I willed them not to fall. I’ve shed hundreds of these tears. Tears I cannot explain to most of the world. They do not understand.
The world sees me as a mom of three kids. They don’t see the scars, money, and medical procedures it took to get two of those three. They don’t know there are 22 babies in heaven. They have no idea I long for more – two boys and one girl. It sounds crazy, even to me, but hearts don’t do logic and logic doesn’t drive away the pain.
I blinked a few times and shook the tears away. Yet my heart felt heavy – weighed down by babies I never held on Earth and longings God may never fulfill. As my heart twisted in knots I silently prayed, “Jesus help me.”
I still do not know how to respond to these comments. Words carry power to pierce wounds no one knew you bore. It has been nearly three years since my final failed cycle of IVF. Yet words and experiences still conjure up pain and sadness. The longing lingers and I wonder with David, “My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long?” Psalm 6:3
My anguish and longing are not constant any more. Yet rounded bellies, hurtful comments, and baby showers spark the pain. I truly feel happy for the pregnant mother, but I again grieve for myself. I long to stretch and grow and be a vessel in which God creates life. Yet He has plans for my longings and anguish. He saves my tears and He redeems my pain. I just have to trust God, wait on His perfect plan, and rest in His best for me.
Are you resting in His best for you whether it looks like what you planned or not?