I remember the day my hope of naturally conceiving a child was over.
Searing pain radiated from my left lower abdomen through my back up to my shoulder-blade. My fallopian tube ripped open causing my baby to miscarry and me to bleed internally. I knew because I felt the same pain on my right side five months earlier.
I could taste the acid of bile in the back of my mouth. My physical pain was nothing compared to the loss of my baby and my ability to conceive naturally.
I cried out to God for help with the pain. I didn’t want this devastating time to be for nothing so I searched for something to give God glory. Yet emotionally I held Him at arm’s length. As if I could give God the cold shoulder. I asked God why. I cried, mourned, and still I remained cold and distant.
My heart felt like a raw wound and knowing God was carrying me through this painful time only irritated it. His presence was simple, lovely, amazing, and downright painful. No He never left me, but I couldn’t make sense of things. His very presence was bringing healing to my wound, but it burned. It felt like alcohol poured over an infected cut. Only the wound was my heart and I didn’t know I needed to be healed yet.
Slowly as God walked the dark, challenging road of fertility treatments with me, I began to drop my guard. I saw that my heart was infected with pride, doubt, and bitterness. Over the years God’s healing balm became soothing rather than irritating. His words of comfort, truth, and correction drew me closer to Him. His word came alive and gave purpose to my pain.
How did God redeem my infertility? Through a long painful process I learned these things:
1. Bring all your doubts, emotions, frustrations, and hurts to God. Lay them at His feet. Wrestle things out with Him.
2. Listen to God through quiet time in prayer and reading His word. Ask Him to speak.
3. Ask God to give you eyes to see the blessings He gives you each day. Keep a list to refer to when things are really difficult.
4. Ask for prayer from understanding and wise friends and family. This is a time that you need someone to help you bear your burden.
I am praying that when you look back at your infertility struggle you can see God all over it and in it. I never would choose the road of infertility, but I am blessed to have walked the road. I pray through the work of the Holy Spirit you can too.