My heart broke again, right there beside the mailbox.
It squeezed tight within me battling the emotions, longing, grief that I hoped I was freed from.
I held the Target coupons in my hand and it felt like a cruel joke.
Coupons for everything you need for your baby.
My baby is three. My oldest eight, my middle one five.
I have no need for baby coupons.
Target can’t know how this feels. I stood by my mailbox longing for three more babes, babes my body cannot hold.
I begin a campaign in my mind. I must tell Target how terrible it is to get coupons. Coupons that open old wounds, that beat me over the head. I would rally people against coupons through twitter, facebook, e-mail.
Then a familiar inner dialogue starts to play. One that calls me guilty for longing for children when I already have three. How could I be so selfish? There are many women who want one child and I already have three. Insane – maybe so, but the desire remains.
Coupons…Do I allow coupons to have this much power over me? Really?
I may not be able to control my wayward heart, but I can control my mind.
1. I remind myself that “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,” Romans 8:1.
2. I focus on what I can thank God for…My three kids, my closer relationship with Him through this difficult time of longing, my husband, Jesus, 22 babies in heaven…The list goes on.
3. I give my longing to God, trusting Him for a miracle. A miracle in my body and I have babies that I can’t have. A miracle on my doorstep and children are there ready to be adopted. A miracle in my heart where I don’t long for babies any more. I may never see a miracle like any of these this side of heaven, but I know God is able. So I pray and trust Him to do what is best.
4. I pray I can help others dealing with infertility too. Ministering to others walking this road helps give my pain and loss meaning.
Have you been beat up by “coupons” before? What have you done to control your mind when your heart wanders off?
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