When Coupons Hurt

My heart broke again, right there beside the mailbox.

It squeezed tight within me battling the emotions, longing, grief that I hoped I was freed from.

I held the Target coupons in my hand and it felt like a cruel joke.

Coupons for everything you need for your baby.

My baby is three. My oldest eight, my middle one five.

I have no need for baby coupons.

Target can’t know how this feels. I stood by my mailbox longing for three more babes, babes my body cannot hold.

I begin a campaign in my mind. I must tell Target how terrible it is to get coupons. Coupons that open old wounds, that beat me over the head. I would rally people against coupons through twitter, facebook, e-mail.

Then a familiar inner dialogue starts to play. One that calls me guilty for longing for children when I already have three. How could I be so selfish? There are many women who want one child and I already have three. Insane – maybe so, but the desire remains.

Coupons…Do I allow coupons to have this much power over me? Really?

I may not be able to control my wayward heart, but I can control my mind.

1. I remind myself that “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,” Romans 8:1.

2. I focus on what I can thank God for…My three kids, my closer relationship with Him through this difficult time of longing, my husband, Jesus, 22 babies in heaven…The list goes on.

3. I give my longing to God, trusting Him for a miracle. A miracle in my body and I have babies that I can’t have. A miracle on my doorstep and children are there ready to be adopted. A miracle in my heart where I don’t long for babies any more. I may never see a miracle like any of these this side of heaven, but I know God is able. So I pray and trust Him to do what is best.

4. I pray I can help others dealing with infertility too. Ministering to others walking this road helps give my pain and loss meaning.


Have you been beat up by “coupons” before? What have you done to control your mind when your heart wanders off?


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4 Responses to When Coupons Hurt

  1. Winter Ball says:

    Angela, I too am burdened with this longing.  Even though I have given birth to four beautiful babies and even have a stepson, making five, I still feel this longing for the baby (ies) I have not held, and will not hold (lest by a miracle of God).  The physical coupons don’t pain me (yet), the youngest (2 1/2) is still in diapers, but I know the ache of your heart the same. 
    I have to trust in God’s perfect plan for my life and my family, it is a struggle for me that I try to take up and have to lay down at His feet again.
    Thanks for sharing, I just stumbled upon your blog for the first time tonight and I am in tears, tomorrow I send my oldest daughter to Jr.High and I fear the unknown.  Your post has encouraged me and comforted me.  Thank you.

    • Anonymous says:

      Winter. I am honored that this encouraged and comforted you. It is such a blessing to watch our children grow, but it goes so fast. I pray your oldest daughter has a great year in Jr High. Blessings to you.

  2. Amanda says:

    This post put a lump in my throat. I recently thought I was pregnant, I was just sure I was. And it turned out I wasn’t. I have three children too and blessed to my eyeballs, but we’ve traveled the fertility treatment road, and hoping and praying is a lonely path to walk some days. And baby coupons in the mail don’t help do they? 🙂   

    • Anonymous says:

      Amanda, I am so sorry that you were not pregnant and have traveled the infertility road. I pray that God makes His presence known as you deal with the grief and loss. And no, baby coupons don’t help at all. 😉

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