How Infertility Feels

Reproduction is a bodily function. We take it for granted that our bodies will work correctly.

  • That eggs are released and tubes are open.
  • That sperm come in enough number that at some point in the tube the sperm and egg meet.
  • Then the embryo moves from the tube to the uterus where it implants and gets cozy for about nine months and VOILA you have a baby in your arms.

Except when it doesn’t happen that way.

  • When ovaries don’t give up eggs or sperm don’t move like they should or come at all.
  • When tubes are blocked or embryos get cozy there where they can’t live for 9 months.
  • Maybe the baby makes it to the uterus, but the womb isn’t shaped right or fluffy enough so baby can’t get cozy.
  • Maybe the baby implants, but hormone levels don’t stay right or blood clots when it shouldn’t or maybe just maybe your cervix can’t hold a baby in.
  • Most often though there is no answer or why. It just is…

Your body feels broken. Month after month you are reminded that you are not having the child you long for.

Guilt comes in different shades from painful past choices, to food choices, or exercise too much or too little. Maybe guilt is colored in that it is your fault your spouse isn’t having the children he or she desperately wants. The guilt lingers and toys with you. What ifs haunt you just like the child you love, but do not even know yet.

Justice. It isn’t fair. So many babies are abandoned or aborted. When will it be my turn? Will it ever be my turn? Why should I have to go through shots, artificial hormones, treatments that stretch my raw soul until it nearly snaps, when others have “accidental pregnancies?”

Grief. Miscarriages, tubal pregnancies, still-births. They scar and wound and heal slowly. Each hope dashed with another loss and with each loss part of your dream dies too.

Nobody understands. Friends try, but cannot understand the longing, dashed dreams, hope for a few weeks a month until the dream is dashed again. Your spouse doesn’t even completely understand. You both process the situation so differently that you wonder if you will ever have a normal relationship again.

Time seems to be against you. 35 years old is considered advanced maternal age. So few ticks of the clock left.

God is here and sometimes His presence hurts. He is able to open our wombs, but He may not. Ever. He is able to quench our longing, but He may not. His ways are not our ways and we have to learn to trust Him despite the grief, injustice, loneliness, and guilt. He walks this road with us, but we have to choose to let His presence comfort us.

Infertility is a struggle, a battle. There are no simple answers for any one person. Adoption is difficult. Treatments may not work or may not be God’s direction. Only God and the couple He is walking this road with knows which path is best.

Mostly we need prayer. Will you pray with me for the infertile?

 

If you are struggling with infertility let me encourage you to check out Hannah’s Prayer Blog titled Held here.
Also look at Hannah’s Prayer Ministries here. Consider checking out Resolve the National Infertility Association here. I would love to pray for you as well. Please leave a comment or e-mail me personally at angela (at) rethinkingmythinking (dot) com…Or click here to find my contact information. You can also find my infertility story here.

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Angela
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